Hot Gossip About The New Agency Scientist: You Won't Believe Number 4!

Dark Spot, JupiterAtomical hired a new lead scientist last month. They didn't announce it. They didn't have to. Somebody posted a blurry photo of a man in a lab coat standing near a console and the internet did the rest.

We spent a week asking around. Here's what we found.

1. 1He has three PhDs. Two of them are real.
2. 2He brings his own mug to Mission Control. It says "World's Okayest Physicist." He is not joking.
3. 3He was seen at a Terra-Luna holiday party in 2024. Nobody invited him. He left with a plate.
4. 4He measures everything in inches. Everything. Fuel, thrust, distance to Jupiter.
5. 5He has never been to space. He says it is "overrated, from what I hear."
6. 6His password is the name of his cat. His cat is named Password.

Number 4 matters more than you'd think. Atomical's Saturn mission was delayed a full month last week after a math problem nobody would explain to us. We're just saying.

We're thrilled to have him. Science is up 12% since he joined.

We asked the spokesperson what Science being up 12% means. She said it means Science is up 12%.

Dr. Pell did not respond to a request for comment. His cat also declined.

• Atomical